The 7 Habits Of Highly Miserable People
Jan

We have all heard about or read Stephen R. Covey’s best seller “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People“. This is a fantastic book on personal growth, empowerment, and self-mastery.
What you haven’t heard about is Stephen R. Roy’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Miserable People“. Well, now you have…
Even though Covey’s book has been read by millions of people, including me, the vast majority of us will not take any action towards applying these 7 principles. We instead will continue doing what we’ve always done and that’s drift through life hoping something great happens to us. Well, it WON’T!
I’m living a pretty miserable life right now and so are countless others. I’m working on myself as hard as I can to become un-miserable, and it is not easy! Through years of rigorous practice, I can speak from first hand experience about the habits that lead to a miserable existence.
I’ve decided to create 7 habits that miserable people fall victim to every day. These habits are the opposite of what successful, happy people do, yet we do them anyway. I’ve also created what I believe to be an effective solution to the problem at hand. Covey’s got nothin’ on me! Yea, right……
Here are my 7 habits matched up against Stephen Covey’s. We all know which one leads to a happy life, but which one is more prevalent?
Habit 1
Covey: Be proactive. Take initiative and realize that your decisions create your life.
Roy: Be inactive. Covey’s book tells us that rule #1 is being proactive, but that’s for winners. Miserable people are not winners. Inactivity breeds laziness, which in turn breeds lethargy and indifference.
When we’re miserable with a job or anything else, we get down. After being down for a while, we get depressed. When we’re depressed, we sit around thinking about how things should be better. But do we actually do anything about it? Nope.
We wallow in our misery, feeling sorry for ourselves and wait for things to change. Guess what, it ain’t gonna happen!
The Solution: We need get off our lazy asses and take ACTION right now! (you can finish reading this article first though). Seriously, we just need to get started by doing something positive.
I’ve gone through periods of some serious laziness and not wanted to do anything. Well, you know what? I MADE myself do the things I didn’t want to do. Was it fun? No, it sucked. However, after I got done cursing and complaining, I felt surprisingly good.
Habit 2
Covey: Begin with an end in mind. Discover your true values and life’s goals.
Roy: Have no goals whatsoever. Having specific and measurable long-term goals is an extremely powerful success tool, but we don’t use them. Fewer than 3% of people actually write out their goals. Big mistake.
Miserable people like to drift through life waiting for someone to throw us a bone. If we don’t know what we want, how in the hell are we going to get it? The answer is obvious. We don’t. We will end up sitting on our death beds thinking about what we would have, should have, and could have done. So sad.
The Solution: We need to do some thinking with this one. Many of us have no idea what we want from our lives. Sure we want family, happiness, money, etc., but what do we really want?
Finding what you believe to be your purpose in life is an incredible realization. It can literally change the course of your life. The problem is that most of us are wishy washy with what we want to be, want to accomplish, and want to eventually be remembered for.
If you have discovered what your life’s passion is, run with it. Put your heart and soul into it and don’t ever stop. When you know what you want your life to look like, it’s 100 times easier to create.
If you don’t yet have goals for your life, you can begin by starting small. There are a million resources out there about how to effectively set goals, so I won’t delve into that here.
Years ago, I bought an audio course (on cassette…sweet!) called The Psychology of Achievement by Brian Tracey. It was a fantastic tool for learning how to set goals and actually achieve them! I’m sure you can find the book on Amazon and is definitely worth your time.
Habit 3
Covey: Put first things first. Plan, prioritize, and execute your tasks based on importance.
Roy: Miserable people don’t plan or prioritize. Actually, we plan on being unhappy and sucking the life out of those around us. To the miserable person, the main goal of each day is to make it through the day. That’s about the extent of our plan.
Planning our future takes time and energy. We may or may not have the time, but we usually don’t have the energy. Walking around all day in a grumpy fog saps our energy and leaves us listless. How are we supposed to create great things when we have no interest in anything?
The Solution: What’s the most important thing on a miserable persons mind? I will tell you. It’s getting out of the situation(s) that are making us miserable. So, if we know what is most important to us, then we can create a list of what needs to happen to change it.
If it’s your job that is the issue, then at the top of your task list should be ideas for getting out of it.
While “quit my job” may be your goal, it’s not specific enough to help you. Start by figuring out what you’re going to do to replace your job and work backwards.
What are the steps that will lead to your eventual resignation? We will all take different paths to get there, so you need to figure out what will be yours.
Habit 4
Covey: Think win-win. Strive for mutually beneficial solutions.
Roy: Nobody wins. Why? Because life is too short, too cruel, and doesn’t care if we spend our lives wallowing in misery. Miserable people don’t want others to win because we are not winning ourselves. We are losing in our lives and we know it.
A successful person understands the importance of relationships and teamwork, while a miserable person is usually only concerned about themselves. How can we be team players or productive employees when the only thing on our minds is being someplace else?
The Solution: Start giving a shit about everyone else! If we can just get over it and stop feeling so damn sorry for ourselves, not only would we be happier, but we might actually be able to be a productive member of society.
Deep down, we all care about other people. We just need to bring those feelings to the surface and let the world know we’re here! My advice would be to begin interacting with others via whatever medium you prefer. If it’s Twitter, start chatting with people, promote others work, and give back. Ceaseless self-promotion is selfish and is easily seen through.
Habit 5
Covey: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Become an empathetic listener and allow yourself to be influenced by others.
Roy: We understand that life can suck. A miserable person has an extremely difficult time listening, because all we hear is the negatives. Our sour dispositions give us selective hearing and we tune out most everything else. We find ourselves being influenced by all the worlds negativity (and there is no shortage of it), and not allowing ourselves to see all that’s good.
The Solution: Empathetic listening is one of the great skills a person can possess. It takes practice, but can be done. Do I consider myself such a listener, umm ask my wife and you will get the answer….no.
We are all in a constant state of learning and I’m reminded of this fact quite often by my friend, Nick Cardot, who runs SiteSketch101. If we are ever going to better ourselves we must continue learning. I strongly suggest surrounding yourself with people who will offer you good advice, positive feedback, and honesty.
Habit 6
Covey: Synergize. Achieve goals through positive teamwork.
Roy: You are alone in life. I can speak from experience on this one. When you are extremely unhappy with your life situations, there is a strong feeling of isolation. Maybe it’s that we don’t want to bring others down or maybe we just want to keep our thoughts to ourselves. It’s a horrible thing to feel alone, especially when you have a support group like a family or close friends to help you out.
The Solution: It’s time to get out of our comfort zones on this one. We may not want to get out there and start building peer relationships, but it has to be done if we are ever going to change. I would suggest finding or starting a mastermind group (I’m working on it too) with individuals in your field.
The key is to realize that we are not alone and can benefit tremendously from the wisdom of others. On the flip side, we can all offer up something of value to those around us, even if its just our experiences.
Habit 7
Covey: Sharpen the saw. Create a long-term effective lifestyle.
Roy: You’re as sharp as a wet Frisbee. Let’s face it, people are stupid. OK, not ALL people, but there are more out there than we would like to believe.
Miserable people don’t create an effective lifestyle mainly because they are not effective. They may be effectively wasting their lives working a mundane, pointless job, but they are not taking control of their lives and making something good happen.
The Solution: Sharpening your skill set, cleaning up your bad habits, and committing to daily action are all things that will help get your life on the track you want. Of course, you actually have to decide what you want your lifestyle to look like first, but once you do, it’s time to turn it into a reality.
The Conclusion
I’m trying to decide whether or not I should publish this in print because I think having a New York Times Best Seller banner would look great in my sidebar. Yes?
I hope you’ve enjoyed my incredibly profound words of wisdom here (and the longest post I’ve ever written) and look forward to your comments, opinions, and unsubscribes emails….

Patricia@lavenderuses
Hi Steve
I did have a smile. I tend to be the person who has a glass overflowing, not just half full 😉 That doesn’t mean at times I don’t feel lonely or find some situations extremely difficult.
But as you so effectively expressed in this post; there are choices. If we choose to have a pity party then we will find that usually no one will come. However, when we start thinking of others, it’s amazing how we attract like minded people around us.
Patricia Perth Australia
Steve
Patricia,
I wish I had more “glass overflowing” people in my life. Unfortunately, there is a lot of negativity and stress in my life, but I am working on changing all that!
Patricia@lavenderuses
Steve
As you become active in the blogging community you should meet some really encouraging people. I have just done a GP over at findmyblogway. If you read the interview Lye did with me, I answer questions about how I network. You may find it helpful. Also you meet some really nice bloggers who I interact with.
Hope you connect up with more positive people. I have been around controlling and negative people througout my life who drained me. In fact at one stage had such a negative effect it made me ill. Had to get them out of my life. Life is sooooo different now 🙂
You sound like you want to make changes….that’s a great start. And if you are feeling stressed come smell the lavenders. Always welcome over there 🙂
Patricia Perth Australia
Alison
I think you’re on to something here….I think you need to write this as an official book!! I’ll buy it.
Steve
SOLD!
Ryan Renfrew @LifestyleDesignRR
What uuuuuup Steve,
I love your take on Steven Coveys the 7 habits of higly effective people. And your soo right, the first step to make a difference in our lives is to be AWARE that we need to change are that we are bogged down with ineffective habits.
However, I do disagree with #4 – creating win-win outcomes. I think a better strategy is to adopt an attitude of helping the other guy win, focus on his wants, his outcomes. This puts you in a positon of leadership and you will have greater influence. And as Zig Ziglar says “if you help enough people get what they want in life, you will get what you want in life”
Thanks for sharing bruddah
bLAZE YOUR tRAIL
Steve
Ryan,
Thanks for the comment! Sadly, too many people will never realize that they need to change to make their lives better.
As far as disagreeing with #4, I disagree. As a leader focused on helping others succeed first and foremost, you will ultimately create a win-win. You’re not necessarily looking to “win”, but in the end, you will. By the way, #4, creating a win-win, is from Covey, not me….
Mike Stenger
I’ve just bookmarked this post to my bookmarks bar & will read each day as a reminder to myself. It’s easy to get all sidetracked with everything going on. Essential to have the basics in place first before everything else.
Steve
Mike,
Glad you found this inspiring. That’s the message I am trying to get out!!
Gibson Goff
What a well written, well presented article. I think the clincher was that you are the one side of the argument. Putting your name and not being generic really gave this thing believability. Excellent! Just excellent!
Steve
Thanks so much Gibson!
I’m glad my message is coming across the way I hoped it would. I feel so passionate about what I’m writing here, it clearly comes through in my writing.
As far as using my name, I really want people to know I am a real person with real passion for these issues. And you’re right, it lends authenticity to it, which is very important online.
I’ve come across so many blogs that offer 1 or 2 sentences about the author and leave you not really knowing anything at all about them.
Chandan
Awesome post, an eye opener..
Steve
Hey thanks! I appreciate that.
Greg Thompson
Way to bleed for all of us, Steve. It takes guts (and awareness) to know where you could be doing better. Covey certainly gives us a mirror doesn’t he. I love to know that I’m not walking this alone.
Steve
Hey Greg,
I’m just trying to open people’s eyes up to what life is like for so many unhappy and miserable others.
Baz
I was just thinking about this kind of thing last night after returning from my soul-crushing day job, exhausted and wanting to work on my escape plan but realizing I was too pissed to even focus there.
It’s tough. Tough to work on your passion when you’re recovering from the torture of the day job. (I’m a SF Giants fan, so I know torture. 😉 )
But your post puts it in a nice frame. 🙂
Onward…
Steve
Barry-a man I can really relate to! Soul crushing is a great description although I’m sorry to hear you too are dealing with this issue.
Are you working on getting out?
Harriet`
This was a funny read! I love how you’ve taken the tips for being proacive and just turned them on their head – hilarious!
Steve
Thanks Harriet, it was a parody of sorts. Glad you liked it!
Dave Ursillo
Steve, very interesting post. I might amend some of your 7 points (if I were to adapt your concepts here and make it my own on my blog, for example), but specifically the first three you suggest:
1) Forward Motion: I think “forward motion” is more productive for a self describe “miserable” person than simple action, because “forward motion” helps create momentum, boost a person’s confidence, and gets the ball rolling. In taking action alone, you may not see immediate results, which can be disheartening. But forward momentum takes us in the right direction.
2) Objectives: Indeed, having specific ideas in mind are critical. I think what’s tough for people is having big-picture goals. “What the hell do I even want in life?” is a common response. Instead of pitting a big-picture goal, it helps to start with objectives — measurable tasks that can help us achieve a more vague, tough-to-articulate, big-picture goal.
3) Break-Point Planning: A self-described miserable person might be well served to create a list of plausible scenarios — “break-points” — that would compel them to quit. Think, “Working more hours for less money,” “Not getting my annual bonus,” “If I’m not manager in 8-12 months,” “If my boss acts the same way to me…” and so on.
This way, we have a list of plausible break points that we can plan for in our minds and aptly mentally-emotionally (even financially) and recover from quickly on the path to our dreams and goals.
Good post 🙂
Dave
Steve
Thanks for the thoughtful comment Dave, I really appreciate it.
1. I think simply taking action is often enough to make a small change and often a small change is all that’s needed for someone who is complely miserable. Of course forward motion makes sense, but when you are so unhappy in life, just focusing on ANY action is good.
2. If we are looking to set up specific, well articulated goals, then yes, it makes sense to break them down into small chunks. With someone who is absolutely miserable (like myself), having an idea of what we want in life helps. I need to know in my mind that I will not be doing this forever. Setting short-term goals is not nearly as motivating for me.
3. While your points are valid here, in my opinion they are not needed. A person who hates their job so much that it’s affecting their entire life does not need to qualify their reasons to quit. We know exactly why we are going to quit and often are just biding our time until we are in a position to.
Keshav
Loved this man. Now I’ll get back to my state of misery – “Always reading blogs about following my passion. But never actually doing anything about it”
Steve
Keshav,
Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate it!
It looks like you have a passion for what you’re doing by looking at your blog. Why aren’t you making it happen? I know the culture in India is much different and know nothing about the job market or economic conditions there. Are you stuck in a job?
Keshav
I’m stuck in a time vacuum, watching the days go by, where the plan is right at the tip of my mind. But eventually it’s stuck right there in the confines of my confused brain.
I’m working as a software guy for the last 7 years. My career has become really boring with no progress. I had a lot of zeal initially, but over the years it just fizzled out.
Now I’m trying to figure out my passion. But I’m clueless.
Steve
Keshav,
I have spent a lot of time where you are, my friend.
It sounds like you need to find some solitude and do some serious thinking.
Des Gray
Hi Steve,
I love your post.. would almost make a movie. Yes, many have read Covey’s book and are still struggling within themselves. Life’s an inner game. Everything hinges on the self, so self mastery is the key. As humans, we’re given the ability to think at a higher level. Unfortunately, we don’t. At least not in the way we were designed to. For many, ‘free will’ or ‘free thinking’ is just their belief system in disguise.
Back to Covey’s book, and what we ‘should do’. For many the ‘should’ is incongruent with their belief system. Change can be hard, it goes directly against their belief system – just like the elephant pulling on the stake. No matter how hard they pull, there’s the illusion of something holding them back. The harder they pull, they more they reinforce the existing belief. Then their feelings come back to bite them… ‘Their-self’ is trying for a different result, which is incongruent with ‘its-self’. ‘
But change can be instant. New (deeper) info can slide in ‘unchallenged’ without conscious effort, form new beliefs, and new decisions follow automatically. Just as the existing beliefs are formed in the first place!
When we become more of our-self, we need less, and accomplish more. The control is in letting go of the control. Trying to control only reinforces what we’re trying to escape from. Your words remind me of the Tao; “true sayings seem contradictory. Act by not acting. Do by not doing. The master accomplishes much without doing”. Know thyself, and self-mastery, that’s the key. I’ve created a programme around that, it may be of interest.
1-on-1 Self Mastery Programme
Steve
Des,
A movie…hmmm
I have to agree with you that most people don’t think at a higher level. Some don’t even think at all.
You make an interesting point about people’s belief systems and the fact that they may not align with what we are told we “need” to do in oredr to find success, happiness, etc.
Are you saying that we can recreate and relearn new belief systems in order to find what we are looking for in life?
Des Gray
Yes Steve, absolutely! To clarify it better; our beliefs system is essentially given to us from someone else (parents, society etc).
Our belief is our reality, and everything is tied back to that reality. Just like looking through rose tinted glasses (belief), everything in ‘your world’ (your reality) would be pink. Yes, you can relearn a new belief system in order to find what you’re looking for in life.
But, what you ‘think’ you’re looking for is still based on your ‘current belief’ – that’s the very one that’s giving you what you ‘don’t’ want now (hopefully that makes sense).
Now, if you further developed your mind (self mastery), you would open up other channels previously unavailable. You would see that you were essentially living in a fog previously. You would be stronger at your core being. From that new belief systems
would fall into place, or be created – generally a combination of both. Then you have the power to create and connect at a whole new level. Hope that helps.
1-on-1 Self Mastery
Steve
Des,
This makes total sense. I understand that everything we are today is a result of what we have believed our whole lives. Our beliefs shape out thoughts and our thoughts shapre our actions.
My question is how do we change our belief systems? I’m not even sure what ‘self mastery’ includes, nevermind how to achieve it.
Des Gray
Steve,
Self mastery is mastery of ‘self’, which means mastery of most or everything you do. Eg; mastering your emotions, thoughts, actions, beliefs, interactions with yourself and others, heightened awareness, your direction in life, business & personal, developing the ‘who of you’ to a whole new level of awareness, understanding, results etc, etc.
For example, mastering emotions allows us to see things in a neutral way without judgments and emotional reactions, thus allowing us to process and respond from a higher level of awareness (different result). That higher level of awareness is tied to new belief systems (gained from self mastery). Many people try to ‘control’ emotions – that’s not mastery. That’s merely fighting against something, trying to hold it down and giving it energy to grow – all making it a bigger problem (internally & externally). Energy never stops, it just keeps moving in the direction we send it – eg. more of the same – to make it worse, this leads to stress, anxiety, sickness etc – that’s just miss-directed energy held within us (and continually refueled by limiting belief systems).
Belief systems can be changed in different ways, obviously highly dependent on the person involved. A basic starter would be reading new information that’s ‘outside of your realm of normal’, eg something that challenges your thinking (beliefs) in a different way – opening your awareness to new / different possibilities. The pay-off is to get new beliefs & self mastery working together. Without self mastery awareness, beliefs will just substitute themselves at a similar level, and there will be little or no growth (eg same belief in different clothes).
NB: timeless classic worth a read for anyone with a starting interested in self mastery – old, but still as relevant as ever.
http://www.asamanthinketh.net/aamt.pdf
Many people try to change their beliefs by questioning them. This works to a degree, but again, the questioning comes from within the existing belief system – so it answers itself with its own rationale (round and round it goes!). I’ve spent a big part of my life studying the mind, along with how it relates to business and performance. Everyone is totally unique in their ‘mix of beliefs’, and what’s required – that’s what makes us individuals. It’s also why my business teaches 1-on-1; different approaches and techniques are required for each person… Each of us have a life, but essentially it’s just a collection of different beliefs. Self mastery changes awareness, forms new beliefs and dramatically changes life’s.
That’s about the shortest answer I can give that would make any real sense…
Steve
Des,
Your comments have given me a lot to think about (and a lot to read :))
I appreciate the time you’ve taken to help me understand your way of thinking. It’s actually been very insightful.
I actually have read As A Man Thinketh, but it’s been a long while. Time to find it once again…
I’ll be visiting your site, so I’ll see you around. Thanks again
Nomadic Chick
Your post hit a massive chord with me. I’ve gone through all of these steps during my struggle to figure out what-the-hell-to-do-with-my-life.
We tend to go about our lives unaware. At some point, many just give up all together and stop asking what makes them truly happy.
I’ve met many people who hushed those negative demons to alter everything. I’m one of them.
But, everyone has to start somewhere and your post is a great beginner to those lost in the mire of miserable land.
I’m RT’ing the hell outta this!
Steve
Jeannie,
You really hit the nail on the head here! I see it all the time, people walking around like zombies. They have given up on life and it’s unbelievably sad.
There is absolutely no reason that anyone needs accept their fate of grinding out a living. I love the fact that you have turned your passion into reality!!
Melanie @TravelToast.com
Just found your website and you’ve got one more cheerleader rootin’ for you!
Good post, too. It’s so important to take a look at ourselves objectively so we don’t turn 78 and wonder why we never did anything cool with our lives.
Even better to actually do something cool with you life, right?
Steve
Hi Melanie,
I can definitely use one more cheerleader,so thanks!
It’s not that I’m looking to do something cool with my life, it’s more to live it on my own terms. For me, it’s all about having freedom over my time and having the option to choose how I spend each day.
It does look like you are doing some interesting things with your life!
Mark Robertson
Well played, Steve! We all know Roy–he’s not just in a cubicle. He’s an architect, a writer, a waiter, a whatever-you-like.
Here you’ve touched upon something very deep. it’s both the stagnant “physical” and “spiritual” that we need to leave. And (drumroll) WE CAN. We are free moral agents.
Sartre has this idea called “bad faith”–he talks about a waiter who “has to go to work.” This is faith in a mechanism that makes him a waiter.
I like to wake up and think about what I get to do (this is in-living not for-living).
Sartre was nuts, but he was so right here. And so relevant.
Steve
Mark,
I think if people can change their menatlity from “I have to” to “I get to” it will make a huge difference in their outlook on life and therefore on their results.
Life is all about choice. We choose to be a waiter, it’s not our fate. Right now, I am choosing to work in my shitty job and choosing to work my ass off trying to get out.
Steve
Brad,
It doesn’t matter how much planning or thinking we do, it’s all about taking action towards our goals and dreams. I am no stranger to feeling sorry for myself for being in my situation and I know many others are in the same boat.
The problem is that nobody cares. We are only hurting ourselves by wallowing in misery. The only way to get out is to make things happen for ourselves!
Fearful Girl
Lots of gems in here:
“Inactivity breeds laziness, which in turn breeds lethargy and indifference.”
“Miserable people don’t want others to win because we are not winning ourselves. We are losing in our lives and we know it.”
You’re a wise man, Steve.
Olly
You should read Dostoevsky’s “Notes from the Underground”
JC
The theme of this entire post is ambition + competitiveness aka “winning” = success. I have a very different list that offers a different point of view (I suggest that somewhere in the middle of our lists is the true equation):
1. Miserable people often strive excessively. Once one goal is met, another must take its place.
2. Miserable people feel the need to constantly compete against others and “win”
3. Miserable people spend too much time on their own personal development that they forget to enrich the lives of family and friends.
4. Miserable people value money and a successful career assuming that is the path to happiness.
5. Miserable people can’t understand the great value of sometimes doing nothing and just being.
6. Miserable people wrongly assume they have complete control. Life often proves otherwise and they are not equipped to handle not getting their way.
7. Miserable people value their own industry to the exclusion of the value of love, friendship, stewardship and charity.
Des Gray Self Mastery
Hey Steve
Good to see you’re still alive and kicking. From our previous discussions; just thought I’d drop you my facebook page which you might find interesting:
Des Gray MindWorks
Cheers, Des
Steve
Hey Des,
It’s been awhile. How are you?
I’ll gladly check out your FB page. Thanks
Lynn
I have to admit that I have been a pretty lazy person lately having pity parties for myself and wondering why no one is showing up. This article made me realize that I have to get off my ass and make the connections and it will suck because I have been in the dumps for so long. I want to be left alone and yet I want people to come to my rescue, you can’t have it both ways. I need to find a balance.
Casey
Just stumbled across this old thread, but felt compelled to comment. First thanks for the KITA.
Second, I think there are people like me that are always inclined to look at the glass half-empty. Nature? Nurture? Really doesn’t matter.
In any event I was lucky as a young adult to have a therapist who prescribed “strong medicine.” It wasn’t an anti-depressant but it was some straight talk about how to be–and feel–truly successful.
I have carried these lessons with me — but I’m prone to backsliding. It is, and always will be, as the therapist described, “a mighty struggle.” Thanks for today’s kick in the pants.
Casey
Jasmine
I feel like making a comment about resentment, because that is one thing that I think is important to take into consideration when reflecting on our poor choices in the past. I believe that we shouldn’t harbor any resentment towards ourselves or others who make poor choices unless its done on purpose. I say this because if someone does something incorrect on accident, or without knowledge of their wrong doing, they are not at fault. However, if you encounter a situation where you are faced with a moral dilemma and conclude to do the thing you believe to be wrong, then you are at fault. So, its important not to resent people, including yourself, for doing things that they have little liability for. Of course once you have realized that you have engaged in the wrong behaviors you should try to correct them, but don’t beat yourself up about it.