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As I boldly proclaimed on January 2, this is the year of change for me. As many of you know, I decided to challenge myself to become a better and happier person and committed to taking action towards these things regardless of how badly I wanted to quit.

I’ve shared my thoughts about my hopes, dreams, and goals. And I’ve shared my frustrations and disappointments as well. But what I haven’t shared with you is the challenges I’ve been facing at home.

As most of you know, I’m married with two young daughters and love my family more than anything in the world. My wife Anne-Marie and I have been married for 7 years and due to a number of things such as our expectations about marriage, poor communication, and two very premature children needing special care, it’s been a tumultuous road.

Through the years, we’ve had our ups and downs like all couples, but as time passed, there seemed to be far more downs than ups. I’ve never been a great communicator (verbally anyway) and didn’t make things easy on my wife as she was learning how to be a wife and mother.

Instead of trying to understand her needs, I thought of my own. Instead of opening up and sharing my thoughts, I shut down and lost myself in something unrelated. Instead of coming home from work happy to see her, I chose to spread my cubicle induced misery.

As you can imagine, it’s hard to build a strong and loving marriage when these things happen. And when things got to the point of  “holy shit, we’re really in trouble”, I started this blog.

Ending The Grind

For years I have hated my job and ever so thoughtfully, brought home the anger and bitterness with me. And after 8 years of working in finance, I had had enough. I started this blog in October 2010 with the idea of creating an online business that would one day allow me to quit my job.

And so I immersed myself in it. I went all in and dedicated all of my free time to learning about, creating, and growing my blog.

A typical day looked like this:

  • 9am-5pm: work
  • 5:30pm-6pm: dinner
  • 6pm-8pm: time with my daughters and bedtime
  • 8:15pm-whenever: this blog

You might be wondering where “time with wife” is. Well, there wasn’t any. I chose to lose myself in my blog (or as Penelope said; escape reality). I focused all my energy and time on building what I thought would be my dream job-blogging.

What I failed to realize (incredibly stupidly) was that my wife was suffering in silence. She had a husband who was there only in the physical aspect. Mentally and emotionally, I gave it all to this blog.

The Only Decision

I love blogging. I mean, I LOVE it and could spend 24 hours a day doing it. And at times, I felt like I did. I’m not embellishing when I tell you that I think about this blog, writing, connecting, and all the other stuff that goes along with it, all day long. Every day. It has become a deep passion for me and I’ve always thought of it as my way to end the grind.

You might think I’ve been selfish and self serving and you would be right. I am those things. And my wife and my marriage deserve better. And although things have been very difficult at home, my wife has to come first.

When I took on this project in January, I planned out my year. I spent many hours thinking about how I could better myself, how I could be happier, and how I could do great things. It was all about me..

A marriage cannot work when one party is in it for themselves. It just can’t. And we are there.

And it stops today.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot do it all. I cannot maintain everything I have going on and spend the time I need to to rebuild a broken marriage. Maybe others can, but I just can’t.

As a constant reminder of how marriage and love should be, I watch this movie clip almost every day. I can’t get through it without crying because my marriage should be like this (without the sad death of course). I’m supposed to grow old with my wife, not grow apart.

So I’ve decided to leave blogging. There is no way for me to adequately put in the time and effort needed to repair the damage that’s been done and I had to choose one or the other. And I feel this is the only decision I have.

And it’s the right one.

My wife and I have not spoken about this and I have no idea how she will react when she reads it. Is it too little, too late? I don’t know. But I hope not with all my heart.

My Last Post

This will be my last post and although I do plan on returning, I have no idea when. I guess it will be when I have done all I can to serve my wife and try to gain back the respect, admiration, and love I’ve deservedly lost.

I honestly thought I would never see this day. I thought life would be filled with an endless stream of blog comments and twitter mentions. But that’s not what it’s about at all. I have been blind to what my life is about and too ignorant and selfish to open my eyes.

I still plan to strive for my goals this year and work towards becoming a better and happier man and husband, but I will be doing it from within my marriage, not from outside.

If you care about what’s best for me then you understand that this is it. Keeping my family together is my #1 priority and I have to do everything in my power to do just that.

I’ll leave you with the following quote my friend Danny emailed me the other day; “Sacrifice is the act of giving up something good in order to get something better”, and I’ve made my decision. I’m getting something better……

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