Given the recent turn of events on my blog, many of you are probably expecting me to announce all the projects I’ve started and the progress I’m making. You might even be expecting me to announce a product launch! After all, I’ve put myself out there and made a public commitment to creating a business here.

But I’m not going to do that. Not today anyway.

The reason is that I’ve hit a wall. Or should I say I have an emotional dilemma. I’ve also had a very difficult time writing this post..

Falling Into Place

For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought things would just “fall into place” for me.

When I was 20, I thought I was invincible and that things would work out grandly for me. I thought I would be rich beyond measure by the time I was 30. I thought I would have all that I wanted in life, although I had no idea how.

When I turned 30, I was waiting tables at the Hard Rock Cafe and hating it. I thought things would fall into place for me because I was better than that. That my time was worth more than what I was earning.

When I turned 40, I thought that with all the time and energy I’ve invested into my “career”, things would fall into place. After all, I deserve to make more money, be happier, and have the good things in life, right?

None of these things have worked out like I thought and nothing has fallen into place as I expected.

I honestly have no idea where I got it, but I have some weird sense of entitlement. I feel like the world owes me. That’s why I expect things to just come together and for the world to fall at my feet.

But it won’t.

It makes no sense, but it’s like I feel I’m due a happy, successful life because of all the struggles I’ve gone though in my life.

And I haven’t even had a tough life.

It’s finally become apparent that life is not going to just work out how I want. I’m actually going to have to become the person I need to be in order to get what I want.

If Only I…

As far back as I can remember, I have always attributed my lack of happiness, lack of success, and lack of financial security to my job(s). They were always keeping me down. They weren’t the right fit. They didn’t see the value I bring. They didn’t pay me what I was worth. I could go on….

If only I could quit my job, things would get better. If I quit, I would have more time to spend writing great content on my blog and building a business. If I quit, I would be happier and my life would actually be enjoyable. If I quit, my marriage would be happier. If I quit….

But the truth of the matter is that it’s just not true. It’s fucking bullshit. It’s just an excuse to hide from my fears of taking on something bigger than I think I can handle. It’s the fear of succeeding and having that responsibility. It’s the fear of owning up to my potential and fucking doing something about it.

That’s how I have lived my life.

Is it any wonder that I am 9 years into a career as a financial planner/advisor and still make jack shit for a salary? How many financial professionals do you know that make less than $65,000 after almost a decade? I don’t know a single one.

I’ve had multiple opportunities to earn 6-figures if I only stepped up into a more prominent role. But I didn’t want to do that. I chose to stay in my comfort zone instead.

I’ve been limiting my own success my entire life.

I could easily blame it on the trauma of my parents divorce when I was 6 or on being so dorky that I couldn’t get a date until I was well out of high school.

I could blame it on the fact that I was bullied throughout middle school and would spend my night lying in my bed in total fear of the next day or on the fact that I almost didn’t graduate high school because I refused to speak in front of my class as part of my final exam because I was so insecure.

Well, it’s all just a story I’ve been telling myself for years. I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy of success. Why would anyone care what I have to say?

It’s sad to think I’ve never really owned up to any of this. Until right now.

Creating A New Story

I want to live a truly exceptional life and make a difference in others lives. But how can I do those things when the important things in my life are not working? I can’t.

And maybe I would have continued down this path for the rest of my life; living life on the lowest common denominator. But something happened a year ago. I started this blog. And people came.

And they cared.

What started out as a a blog about quitting my job has evolved into something much more. It’s about being part of something bigger than me. It’s about being able to reach thousands of people who understand and can resonate with what I’m going through. And I’m hooked. I love blogging and all that it entails. It’s become a very strong passion for me, but as you have seen here, sometimes passion isn’t enough.

And that’s where I have my dilemma.

It’s the line between business and hobby. It’s the line between creating and inaction. It’s the line between passion and fear.

The Wall

Two weeks ago, I was ready to start rolling with my business. I was all set to start cranking out niche sites, selling services on Fiverr, writing eBooks, creating a JV product, and attempting to finally make some damn money.

And I was working on those things. But in the process of self discovery, I realized some things about myself that stopped me from moving forward with all of that. Shocker, I know…

I’ve had to ask myself some very significant questions and have answered them as well. And not just about this blog, but about my life. I’ve come to understand a few hard truths about why I am where I am in my life. I’ve also made some decisions that will change my life for the (much) better.

And though I’ve learned a great deal about myself recently through my reading, thinking, writing, talking with people, and completing self-help exercises, I still feel like there’s something missing.

I feel like there is a huge gaping void in my life and nothing I’ve done in my life so far has filled it.

It’s like a greater force is holding me back from having a clear vision of my future, from attaining success and financial security, and from realizing my happiness.

You’re probably saying to yourself  “it’s just you, stupid!” and I know that’s what it ultimately boils down to, but I still feel like my whole psyche is out of wack.

And I’ve felt this way for a very long time, much longer than just my time blogging.

One of my readers (and now friend), Steve Rice, and I spent a few hours on the phone a few nights ago. He had some great insights as to what he felt I was going through and what really struck a chord with me was when he said “it’s like you are a drag race car with a parachute attached to the end of it. There is resistance slowing you way down”. And that’s exactly how I feel.

I’ve never pinpointed why I feel this way or what could be causing it and have always assumed it would just go away. Well, it hasn’t.

And I know now that it won’t go away on its own.

I mean, how can we create our best work if there are deep underlying reasons in our subconscious that are sabotaging our progress?

So this is where my head has been. Instead of focusing on building a business here, I have been deciding how to approach all of this and find a solution.

Yoda Speaks…

Well, thanks to my friend Marcus, who I have somewhat of a Yoda-Luke relationship with, and who sent me a very well timed email the other day, I finally “got it”.

He said “I think you’re biggest problem is that you’re off spiritually and emotionally, which affects your mental well-being.

It’s my guess you’ve had inklings, maybe even strong ones, to get your spiritual and emotional life back in order. But yet you have not heeded the promptings. And when you don’t heed promptings….inspiration goes out the door.

And everything else suffers.

And action become stagnant.

Your 9-5 job is a ‘small’ problem in your life compared to your marriage and the frustration you have because of it.

If I were you, instead of reading another book, I’d serve your wife. I’d also get back to your spiritual roots. And I’d make these changes permanent. Once you do this, everything else will fall into place.

If you serve your wife, you’ll find the love for her you’re looking for. She’ll find it for you too. Don’t worry about what she can fix or do better, that will happen once you change.

I don’t feel you’re going to have a business thrive until you’re more in balance. It’s practically impossible.

I read your stuff and sense your anger in it…with ‘life’ in general. I could tell how unhappy you were at home just by reading your blog, which is supposed to be more about your unhappiness with work. I say that because often times your writings come across as ‘angry’. The negativity oozes out onto the page.

But anger is not a business model. Sadness is not a business model. We live in tough times and people want to be uplifted. You, me, all of us….be it business, personal, whatever. That’s what needs to ooze out of you.”

Wow!

This just makes so much sense to me. When he mentioned that it’s almost impossible to have a successful business until I am more in balance, it really hit me between the eyes. Actually it was more like a kick in the nuts…

What comes to mind is the Law of Attraction,which states that we attract into our lives what we put out there in terms of our thoughts and energy. My life is a gigantic ball of stress, uncertainty, and unhappiness served with a side of poor relationships and even worse communication.

Is it any wonder I am where I am right now?

Lost

The reason I often feel lost, desperate, and unconnected is because I am lacking in the most important parts of my life: My marriage and my faith. Both areas have been woefully neglected for years and it’s killing me slowly.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by my unhappiness given all the discord in my life. If I’m going to truly create an extraordinary life, I have to focus on what matters the most.

And it’s for this reason that I have chosen to play a bigger game. I have chosen to pursue something much bigger than writing eBooks or doing affiliate marketing.

It’s about changing lives. Mine and yours.

That’s A Lot Of Stuff …..

Holy shit this was another deep (and long) post. With the direction I am taking this blog, I feel it’s important to share what’s really going on with me. And now you know some of what’s been on my mind..

I would have to pay a therapist $250 bucks to listen to all of this, but I got to do it for free here! Hopefully you haven’t tuned out..

As much as I’d like to continue this post, I think it’s best to save the rest for my next post, which will be about my plans, ideas, and what lies ahead for me and ETG…

I’m very interested (and a little nervous) to hear your thoughts on this, so please leave a comment for me!

And for those of you who got the movie reference, no I’m not going to shoot up a Whammy Burger…

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