I’m Talking To You, Stupid
Aug

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and expressed some of my feelings in my post last week, The Struggle Within. I’ve come to the realization that when I am not being completely true to who I am, then I am failing myself and all of you.
It wasn’t an easy post to write and of course I was fearful that I would be seen as weak and unconfident. But that’s the exact reason why it was so important to write it.
As much as I want to believe that me writing personal growthy posts will help you, in all realty , it won’t. There are already more than enough of those to last you 100 lifetimes.
What makes a difference to people is seeing other people (like me) going though the same shit they are going through and directly talking about it. You may feel alone, lost, and scared but when you read about me having those same feelings, it provides comfort and adds a realness to it.
Looking Stupid
Let’s face it, we are all afraid of looking bad. The fear of criticism is a huge limiting factor in many areas of our lives. I’ve let it control much of my life and it has cost me dearly.
I’ve never shared this with anyone, but in the 11 years I spent as a financial advisor, I was paralyzed by the fear of sounding like I didn’t know what I was talking about. So much so that I would rarely make phone calls to prospects or clients when others were within earshot.
- Will my coworkers judge me?
- What if I make a mistake?
- What if I sound stupid?
Do you know how limiting this is when working in a cubicle? I spent days and even weeks not making any calls because I had no privacy. I would literally plan my days around my cube mates schedules and at one point, would go to entirely different floors in my building to find a quiet space. I was so concerned about sounding stupid that I all but killed my productivity.
I could easily been far more succcessful if I had just had the balls to say “fuck ’em” and just be myself. The reason I was like this was because I never finished college and always felt like I wasn’t worthy to be doling out financial advice to more educated people. This of course is ridiculous, because most of my clients had no idea what a stock or mutual fund even was.
The worst part was that I was actually quite good on the phone and knew exactly what I was talking about. It was that fucking fear that I allowed to control me.
Prom King
In 1989 I was a senior in high school. I was also about as awkward as a teenager could be. But I, like every other hormone fueled, pimple faced kid, wanted to spend time with the opposite sex. But for me, my mother was about the only one who qualified.
But I wanted to go to my senior prom. There was a girl named April who I wanted to ask, but chose not to. I was terrified of the possible rejection and embarrasement I would face when she said no.
So my friend asked her, she said yes, and they ended up having all kinds of sex that night. Now I’m not sure the 17 yeard old virgin Steve would have been quite ready for that type of night, but in any case, I missed out on a once in a lifetime experience.
I still think about it now, 25 years later.
And the kicker is that the day after prom, she approached me and asked why I didn’t ask her to go. Fuck you fear…
How Not To Look Stupid
Regardless of how cool we think we are, how attractive we think we are, or how smart we believe ourselves to be, there will always be someone criticizing us.
As prolific a speaker as Gary Vaynerchuk is, there are those who think he sucks. As talented a writer Seth Godin is, there are those who think his work is drivel.
It’s human nature to find fault with others. It might be jealousy, wanting to inflate our own ego by beating someone else down, or just that we think we are superior in some way.
But it doesn’t fucking matter.
I’m not talking to the people who already don’t give a shit what people think about them, I’m talking to the people who are letting this fear control some aspect of their life.
We can’t please everyone nor should we try. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way and it’s a waste of our time to worry about what others think.
The key is to be confident in being yourself. That’s it. Being yourself is harder than it sounds. I mean, think about it. When was the last time you walked into the grocery store in your frumpy pajamas? Never. Why? Because people will look at you weird or worse yet, you might see someone you know and they will judge you.
Now think about your kids. They don’t give a shit about going out in public in their Spiderman Underoos. They don’t care that the checkout lady might think they are weirdos. No, they are just happy being themselves.
Now I’m not suggesting that you show up in your underwear and think that might actually get you arrested, but you get my point. Stop caring about what others think and start being true to yourself.
We all look stupid at different times and it’s OK.
Honestly, life is too short to worry about what everyone else is thinking about you. Yes, it’s easier said than done and the reason why public speaking is our greatest fear.
Is Looking Stupid Good For Business?
It seems that every other blogger and Internet marketer brands themselves as an expert in some shape or another. If I have to read another “Join 8,000 others and subscribe to my awesome newsletter”, I’m going to kill someone. Who fucking cares that all those people opted into your sales pitch?
Stop telling me how great you are and tell me about you.
And I fully understand the importance of social proof, but I think too much emphasis is being placed as appearing as a leading expert and not enough on being a real person that people can identify with.
I think that most businesses could benefit from being “real” and sharing their flaws and weaknesses instead of letting us believe they have their shit together. The truth is that most businesses don’t. They struggle and fail every day. Tell us about that. That is going to help us, not the fact that you have sold more than 1000,000 widgets.
I believe the real power behind building a personal brand or business that allows you to truly connect with your user base is being vulnerable and openly honest, even if that means risking looking weak.
There is immense power in vulnerability but most are unwilling to go there.
As for me, I’ve realized that this is how I will build my business. No bullshit. No facade. Just me doing my best to create the best life I possible can.
Your turn now. Is you fear of looking stupid limiting you in some way? If so, how?

Karthik
Thanks for the article Steve. Coming to fear, I asked out a girl after 2+ years of secretly admiring her and after a lot of contemplation. But I got rejected. It was really hurtful more than being embarrassing. Since then, even when I have a pleasant feeling towards someone, I am shit scared about asking and the gut in me never comes out. At the same time I try to comfort myself by saying that it is not yet time for me and there is lot of life left. Am I fooling myself?
Steve
Yes Karthik you are. It’s time you accept that rejection is part of life and you can’t take it personally. You may be perfect for someone (or a job or whatever), but wrong for another. I’m sure you have a great deal of wonderful qualities that women would find attractive.
Being told “no” does suck but it’s part of life. I’m sure you have a long life ahead of you, but don’t wait any longer to start getting over this fear.
Is there someone you have in mind now?
Karthik
Thanks Steve.
At the moment I am much more into exploring new avenues of life and having different experiences.
But, if I find someone aligned to my values and find her attractive, I will keep this in mind and not hold myself back.
Cheers.
Steve
You didn’t convince me, Karthik..
I have a better idea, I’m putting together a challenge and I want you to be part of it. I’m going to put you to the test and push you out of your comfort zone.
I’ll be sending you the details of the challenge when I’m done with the details. Be ready, my friend..
Karthik
Woah! I will give my best.
Evan
I’m allergic to experts.
I want to meet a person.
And when people tell me about their mistakes and what they’ve learned I’m far more likely to trust them.
Steve
I agree 100%, Evan. I’ve met a lot of great people in this business but many of them preach about how well they are doing and “forget” to talk about all the struggles and failures. I suppose that is the nature of business, but I still find it to be impersonal.
Davidd
Fear, or extreme shyness, or overwhelming social ineptitude, or whatever you want to call it, has essentially paralyzed, sabotaged, and undermined me my entire life. As a teen I would break out in a sweat as I approached the counter at a fast food joint to order a hamburger. I dropped classes in college if I found out a presentation or a group project would be involved.
I sometimes put my current job at risk due to my reticence to make required telephone calls in a timely manner. And there is NO WAY I could follow the suggestions so many online and in-print success authors offer about becoming a consultant and sharing my unique talents and skills. What talents?
I should think about what I do well and then become a consultant? Yeah, right! First, I’ve never done anything certifiably noteworthy, so I have no portfolio of awesome accomplishments in any field. More significantly, I simply could not market or “sell” myself or my services in a convincing way. Some of us are simply not “people persons.” Hey, that’s why I’m sitting here in the dark typing on the interwebz to complete strangers!
If it were really possible to become some kind of “internet entrepreneur” I’d be all for it. But… doing what? Or should I ask, marketing an info-product about what? I don’t know how to flip houses or pick up women or lose weight fast or optimize web sites for maximum search engine results, so… I’m following your blog to see what you come up with! (I bet you, being a fitness trainer, at least know how to get six-pack abs! And you can share investment strategies while cranking out pushups! Now there’s a cool skill-set combo you could leverage into an amazing “cross-training” program – Sweat & Grow Rich!)
Steve
Wow David.
Your fear sounds like it has you by the balls, dude. I appreciate your blunt honesty here and I know exactly how you feel.
What I don’t agree with is that you not having any talents or accomplished anything noteworthy. I believe everyone has skills and talents that can be used to create awesome shit, it’s just a matter of figuring it out and having the confidence to move forward with it.
If you haven’t read it, The Millionaire Messenger, by Brendon Burchard is a fantastic book. It’s about how we all have something unique to offer the world and how there is always someone out there willing to pay for it.
I also don’t believe that you couldn’t effectively sell your services. It’s a learned skill like anything else. Once you figure out what it is that you are great at, you can then work on creating incredible value to others in that area.
You are not giving yourself enough credit either. Of course you can become an Internet entrepreneur. Anyone can. There is literally no barrier to entry here.
I would first tell you to stop the negative talk, it’s not helping you. Be open to the fact that there are a shitload of successful online business owners and there is NO reason you can’t do it.
What do you do for a living right now?
And good call on the program..you just might see it on QVC someday!
Purna
I really appreciate this article Steve. I feel you…
Steve
Thanks, Purna. I hope the message resonates with you..
Michaela Mitchell
I have been afraid of looking stupid my entire life. Sometimes it’s held me back (usually from speaking up), but sometimes I’ve swallowed my fear (and accompanying nausea) and gone for it. What that means is that I do what I’m scared to do and then spend hours or days fretting, worrying, and convinced I’m about to fall on my face (I think that was called “Last Tuesday”). LOL
But I agree with you – sales pitches are old, boring, and done by the whole world. There’s no way to set yourself truly apart.
I started the “Work at Home Mom” posts on my site because I wanted to tell my story – not because anyone would care about me as an individual – but because surely, someone, somewhere in the world will relate.
We talk about blogging being the end all, be all of marketing online (and I agree with that) but instead of focusing on the next number of tips or the epic “how to” post, connections are made when we tell a story (our story) in a way that helps someone see themselves in it. At least, in my humble opinion.
Steve
Hey Michaela,
Thanks for your honesty. Many people will not allow themselves to admit they are controlled by fear, especially the fear of looking stupid. If you can face it, regardless of if you get freaked out afterwards, that’s a good thing. Keep it going.The only way to break that fear is by taking it head on and embracing it.
As far as your posts, I think a better approach would be to write in a way that people do care about you as a person. The Internet doesn’t need another stay at home mom blogger. The world needs Michaela Mitchell and her uniqueness.
I think that mother of 3 who is going crazy sitting at home and is looking to do something else, will relate to YOU. Fuck all that work from home shit, it’s overdone and boring.
As I recall, you do have an interesting story and I highly recommend you use it to build your brand.
Looking at you site, I notice a few things that turn me of as a reader. I’m not looking to beat you up (again), but here are a few things I would change if you want to be a “person” and not just a marketing company.
1. Replace “we” with “I” under the services you offer. This is you they are hiring. I wouldn’t get caught up in trying to sound like a large conglomerate. Small and service-oriented works wonders.
2. If you are offering a service to help people create fresh and unique content on their sites, make sure you are doing that first. Your posts have gotten better, but to be honest, they are still a bit dry. Personality builds brands.
3. Your titles are still weak. I know you and still don’t want to read many of your posts because they don’t sound interesting. Add some flavor in there!!
4. Please change your theme! Use colors and attention grabbing widgets and header graphics. The Hello bar is a start or a nice looking opt in box up top would work well.
5. Are the hashtags in your post titles necessary? Are they working? They clutter the look of the post and are visually unappealing.
6. I still need a reason to subscribe to your email newsletter. Let me know why I MUST be on it! Even without a freebie, you can get plenty of subscribers if your story is compelling enough.
Ok, I’m done. Hopefully you aren’t offended by this unsolicited advice..
Michaela Mitchell
LOL, if I didn’t get offended before, I’m definitely not going to start now. My problem (and one I need to get over, I guess) is that the focus of my work has been on blogging and less on the other facets of digital marketing which I’m learning I prefer. I need to completely revamp my website to reflect where I’m heading with my business, but I’m procrastinating (probably out of fear).
Headlines and titles are my biggest weakness as a writer and I’m definitely working on it. Because I use Triberr to have my posts shared, the hashtags serve a very specific purpose, but yes, I know they’re ugly as hell, too. It’s a choice between function and fashion, I guess.
Steve
Glad to hear you have think skin! We need it in this business.
What is your plan for redoing your site? I know you probably don’t have one, but create one…right now!
Give me your deadline and I will hold you to it.
Adrienne
Oh Steve, I thought everyone thought this way. Oh wait, those “experts” probably never did.
I can so relate to a lot of what you’ve shared here too. For me I wasn’t book smart at all. I felt like such a dummy most of my time in school. I could just not understand what the hell they were trying to teach me but if someone sat down and explained it to me in plain English then I got it. So I walked around the majority of my life thinking I was stupid. I didn’t go to college either so I always thought I would be a nobody.
I eventually was seen for my natural abilities and that was my organizational skills and my people skills. Seven years ago I brought them online and look where they’ve gotten me now? You want to know what the funny part about this is? As soon as I stopped listening to those so called experts and started just being me, everything started happening so I hear what you’re saying here.
People can relate to us because we don’t know it all. We are honest about it too. I think that shows more courage then never admitting you made a darn mistake. We are not going to be liked by everyone and that’s okay. I don’t like everyone either. LOL!!!
I think you’re on the right track and I appreciate your honest approach to this too. That’s what we need more of my friend. Way to go.
~Adrienne
Steve
Adrienne,
It’s a great story of yours of how you decided to use your best skills to do something awesome. You have created something quite remarkable and regardless of what the experts say, you are doing your thing.
I think there is so much power in being vulnerable with your audience and it’s something I think will help me (and you) tremendously.
Ironically, after all the posts you’ve been writing about commenters, this comment found its way into my spam folder. LOL. No idea how that happened especially since you comment all the time!
Sebastian Aiden Daniels
Hahaha damn Steve. First off that sucks about your 17 year old self. At the same time maybe it would have damaged you because you wouldn’t have known what to do, but that is a funny story.
You are absolutely right that it doesn’t matter if you look stupid or if people don’t like you. We will all die someday. Most people if they judge you, will judge you and then move on with their life while you have to deal with the bs going in your own head. I am struggling with the same thing but once you face your fear you come out on the other side.
People will criticize you but people remember the people who persevere. The people who succeed are the ones who usually don’t give a flying fuck on what every single person thinks. They do what they believe is true to themselves and they end up achieving great things.
Keep writing like this Steve and you will succeed!
Steve
That’s my plan, Sebastian!