Turn The Page
May
I’m not sure if I’m happy, sad, angry, or hurt. I think I’m just indifferent at this point.
I got an email from my attorney last week telling me that I’m officially divorced. That’s it. No tears, no hugs, no condolences. Just 8 years of a marriage now just another statistic in the Maryland court system and a $1,000 bill to pay for it all.
It’s weird because you hear about men and women (mostly men) who hit the bar and celebrate their divorce being finalized like it’s something to be proud of. And while it may be the best thing that ever happened to someone, it certainly isn’t a joyous occasion. How can it be?
At one point, you (and I) chose this person to spend every single day of our lives with. And yes, things go sour, get ugly, and get blown to shit and we’re left to deal with it.
A Less Than Stellar Marriage
I’ll be the first one to admit that my marriage was bad. I mean terrible. No passion. No communication. No respect. No hope. But I’m not going to jump up and down screaming about the release from my contractual obligation to this person.
Yes, I am happy that my life is moving forward and in the right direction for the first time in years. Yes, I am happy that I’m free to be myself, take pride in who I am, and wake up with a smile on my face each day.
When I wrote my post, Don’t Let My Regrets Become Yours, I talked about the unhappiness I had in my marriage and how it affected my entire outlook on life. Feeling trapped in a job is one thing, but feeling trapped in a relationship is quite another.
What do you do when you have taken a vow to stick by someone through sickness and health, good times and bad times, and ultimately being treated like a worthless piece of shit? You can either:
- Suck it up and deal with your fate
- Work your ass off to make it work
- Make a change
I tried all three.
Grinding Out A Marriage
When we split in December 2012, I knew it was the right thing for me and my daughters. Sure, I could have stayed in the marriage, played the part of husband, and pretended to enjoy our family vacations.
And for a long time I did just that. I won’t say it was right or wrong, it just was. And I could have probably done that for the rest of my life and suffered in silence.
And I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are people reading this right now that are living this right now.
And if you are, I ask implore you to rethink your decisions. I would never recommend divorce and believe it’s imperative that you give it 100% of your effort to make it work, but you have to look at all of your options. Choosing the wrong spouse can turn your life into a grueling, tiresome grind and spending your life feeling like that is a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
And maybe you’ve already been living this life and have grown numb to it. It happens. You get married, have kids, become consumed with parenthood, and forget (or stop caring) about each others needs. And what happens is that your marriage becomes nothing more than an informal arrangement between two parties who choose to sleep in the same bed (or in my case, the couch).
And it sucks.
A marriage is intended to bring two people who love each other even closer. Its purpose is to allow you to share every aspect of your life with them and do so with the notion of unconditional love.
But with divorce rates around 50% in the U.S. alone, it appears to be a slightly flawed system…
I’m not an advocate for divorce and feel like a marriage should be salvaged if there is a shred of hope, but just take a look at these figures:
It’s a utterly sad statistic that it’s so common and so easy to get divorced. And while I’m 100% certain it was the correct decision in my case, it still is staggering to think that half of all marriages will split.
Turn The Page
I wrote this post not out of self pity or because I desperately wanted to air my personal life, but because I want you to understand that you have the power to change your situation regardless of how bleak it may seem.
I used to cry myself to sleep night after night because I felt so alone even though my wife was sleeping right next to me. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced and I felt totally powerless against it.
I tell you this because your marriage/job/life does NOT have to be like this. Suffering for the sake of suffering is not a noble cause. Just because you chose your current situation doesn’t mean you can’t choose something better.
Please do not spend another day feeling trapped in the confines of misery. Nothing is worth sacrificing your happiness for.
What is your grind? Is it your job, your relationship, or something else?
Evan
Perhaps it is all those ideals about spending every moment with your spouse and so on that lead to the prevalence of divorce.
I think we need to see that people need lots of relationships, one person will never be enough. And the employment trends that tend to disrupt relationships would be reversed if we valued relationships over employment too.
Steve
Evan, the discussion of divorce could go very deep here, but suffice it to say that the main cause of my divorce was lack of communication and support. I do think we need many relationships as well and I actually do believe that a marriage can be fulfilling and harmonious, it just wasn’t there for me..
Adrienne
Hey Steve,
I won’t say congratulations but instead I’ll just say I’m glad that’s all behind you. I hate anyone to be unhappy in any situation.
I know about divorce, December 28th will be my 25th anniversary.
I never intended to get a divorce, I really wanted to make it work but it takes two people and he wasn’t willing to do the work. He’s still the same asshole today that he was way back then. I only know that now because I reconnected with my step-son several years ago and he fills me in.
I wouldn’t change anything though because I never would have had the opportunity to spend that time with my step-son who my ex had custody of. He was such a bright light to such a miserable situation.
I’m happy for you though, it’s time to get on with your life and I know it will be better for everyone.
~Adrienne
Steve
Hi Adrienne,
I don’t think it cause for celebration but it does signify the next chapter in my life. I see you are familiar with divorce and I’m sure you know how difficult it is on everyone..
As you know, life is far too short to be stuck in a grind of a bad marriage (or bad job) and sometimes we have to do the unthinkable. I told myself that I would never divorce, but it got to a point that was so unhealthy, that we had to change..
Peter
Hey Steve, at least you gave it your all mate. You know in your heart that there wasn’t anymore you can do.
Too many people file for divorce as soon as something goes against their way. I’m sure that most marriages are not all roses and that many off them come complete with thorns. As long as you can wear the pricks and things look up once the wounds heal it’s worth sticking it out.
Sometimes the cut runs too deep and when that happens divorce can be the only solution.
Hope your life picks up from now on.
Steve
Hey Peter,
We did give it our best effort and unfortunately the cuts were so deep that I believe there was no way to heal them. I feel in my heart that this was the best decision for me and my children and life has already done a huge 180 for me. Thanks for stopping by.
Sebastian Aiden Daniels
I loved the picture quote at the end. It is sad that half of marriages end in divorce and at the same time I am not surprised. We are always changing and who knows exactly how we will be 10 years from now? How will the other person be 10 years from now?
You also can’t change someone else, which is something a lot of people think they can do and it usually never works. Example. The US Government.
Communication is key. Failure to communicate well is the downfall of any relationship/endeavor. Thanks for sharing this mate. Breakups are tough no matter what. That feeling of failure can be a tough one to face.