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I’m not sure if I’m happy, sad, angry, or hurt. I think I’m just indifferent at this point.

I got an email from my attorney last week telling me that I’m officially divorced. That’s it. No tears, no hugs, no condolences. Just 8 years of a marriage now just another statistic in the Maryland court system and a $1,000 bill to pay for it all.

It’s weird because you hear about men and women (mostly men) who hit the bar and celebrate their divorce being finalized like it’s something to be proud of. And while it may be the best thing that ever happened to someone, it certainly isn’t a joyous occasion. How can it be?

At one point, you (and I) chose this person to spend every single day of our lives with. And yes, things go sour, get ugly, and get blown to shit and we’re left to deal with it.

A Less Than Stellar Marriage

unhappy-couple

I’ll be the first one to admit that my marriage was bad. I mean terrible. No passion. No communication. No respect. No hope. But I’m not going to jump up and down screaming about the release from my contractual obligation to this person.

Yes, I am happy that my life is moving forward and in the right direction for the first time in years. Yes, I am happy that I’m free to be myself, take pride in who I am, and wake up with a smile on my face each day.

When I wrote my post, Don’t Let My Regrets Become Yours, I talked about the unhappiness I had in my marriage and how it affected my entire outlook on life. Feeling trapped in a job is one thing, but feeling trapped in a relationship is quite another.

What do you do when you have taken a vow to stick by someone through sickness and health, good times and bad times, and ultimately being treated like a worthless piece of shit? You can either:

  1. Suck it up and deal with your fate
  2. Work your ass off to make it work
  3. Make a change

I tried all three.

Grinding Out A Marriage

When we split in December 2012, I knew it was the right thing for me and my daughters. Sure, I could have stayed in the marriage, played the part of husband, and pretended to enjoy our family vacations.

And for a long time I did just that. I won’t say it was right or wrong, it just was. And I could have probably done that for the rest of my life and suffered in silence.

And I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are people reading this right now that are living this right now.

And if you are, I ask implore you to rethink your decisions. I would never recommend divorce and believe it’s imperative that you give it 100% of your effort to make it work, but you have to look at all of your options. Choosing the wrong spouse can turn your life into a grueling, tiresome grind and spending your life feeling like that is a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

And maybe you’ve already been living this life and have grown numb to it. It happens. You get married, have kids, become consumed with parenthood, and forget (or stop caring) about each others needs. And what happens is that your marriage becomes nothing more than an informal arrangement between two parties who choose to sleep in the same bed (or in my case, the couch).

And it sucks.

A marriage is intended to bring two people who love each other even closer. Its purpose is to allow you to share every aspect of your life with them and do so with the notion of unconditional love.

But with divorce rates around 50% in the U.S. alone, it appears to be a slightly flawed system…

I’m not an advocate for divorce and feel like a marriage should be salvaged if there is a shred of hope, but just take a look at these figures:

divorce

It’s a utterly sad statistic that it’s so common and so easy to get divorced. And while I’m 100% certain it was the correct decision in my case, it still is staggering to think that half of all marriages will split.

Turn The Page

I wrote this post not out of self pity or because I desperately wanted to air my personal life, but because I want you to understand that you have the power to change your situation regardless of how bleak it may seem.

I used to cry myself to sleep night after night because I felt so alone even though my wife was sleeping right next to me. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced and I felt totally powerless against it.

I tell you this because your marriage/job/life does NOT have to be like this. Suffering for the sake of suffering is not a noble cause. Just because you chose your current situation doesn’t mean you can’t choose something better.

Please do not spend another day feeling trapped in the confines of misery. Nothing is worth sacrificing your happiness for.

next-chapter

What is your grind? Is it your job, your relationship, or something else?

 

 

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