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For years I have been telling you the same thing.

That my goal is to help people who are currently in the grind I was in for 10 long years. And that’s feeling trapped in a job, relationship, or life you are unhappy with.

And in order for me to be able to truly help someone, I need to be honest. With you and with myself.

Struggle

And the truth is that I am struggling with my life. On the outside, I have it all. A fresh start on my life, two amazing daughters, a loving and supportive girlfriend, my own fitness business, opportunities to work with remarkable people, the ability to work remotely and dictate my entire schedule, and nothing standing in my way except my own fears.

I’m in the best position I’ve been in my entire life.

But I’m scared and it’s fucking me up.

Starting my life over is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me but brings with it a whole new set of struggles. I honestly don’t know if it’s the pessimist in me or the fact that I am finding fault with everything, but in either case, I am feeling lost, overwhelmed and unsure about my place in this world.

I’m letting my demons get the best of me and it’s showing in my writing.

I have every intention of turning this blog into a multi-million dollar business and the fact that my emotions, which are what fuels my writing and has been the foundation for all my success here, are not present- is a huge fucking problem.

I am not being true to myself or to my readers by offering up average content. I know I am better than that and you all deserve more from me.

My girlfriend, who has been my #1 supporter through all of my recent life changes has let me know that my recent posts are just above average. I think she actually said “you are cheating your readers every time you write a post without emotion.”

But what I heard instead was “stop being such a pussy and write from your heart.”

And she’s right. It shows in my comments (or lack thereof) and shows in my quality of work.

Self-Employment Is NOT Fucking Easy

Businessman Pushing Boulder up Hill

I don’t know what the fuck Tim Ferriss is talking about with all that 4-hour workweek nonsense.

Being self-employed has been a huge shift for me in terms of how I manage my time and how I look at my future. Showing up to work when I am supposed to is a piece of cake. But when there is no clock to punch, it all falls on my shoulders to get everything done and be efficient about it.

And after 5 months, I still struggle every day to manage my time and to harness my motivation. I find myself working in short bursts (when I am feeling so inspired) and often well into the night. Some days I work for 5 hours, some days 12. And given that I am driving all over the place to train my clients, there is little consistency to all of it.

As many of you know, creating an online business such as the one I am working on is not an easy task. My goal is to provide a resource for people to find motivation, become inspired, and to find ideas on how to end their grinds. And I want it to work because I care about people.

In order to become the expert in your field, you have to do a great deal of work, do all the right things online, hit all the social media channels, spend time commenting, market yourself like crazy, connect with the influencers, write guest posts to drive traffic, build a list, create outstanding content, help people as much as possible, and be willing to work like a fucking madman for little or no pay for a long time.

At least that’s how I see it.

And I am good with all of this and fully accept this as the path I’m willing to go down in order to achieve what I want to achieve. In fact, I love the idea of doing all of these things (except the pay part).

But I struggle to keep myself afloat many days. The sheer volume of work that needs to be done is insane. I feel as though I can never catch up, reach enough people, do enough writing, or engage in enough conversations to ever get ahead.

And I feel as though I am failing. Failing all the people who are looking to me for answers. Failing my readers for writing average bullshit. Failing myself for not taking control of all of this and knocking it out of the fucking park.

Some days, I feel like I can accomplish anything and others I have to ask myself if I am cut out to be an entrepreneur. It’s a horrible question because I desperately want to believe that I am. But working a traditional job for 28 years straight certainly fucks with your thought processes. It’s more commonly known as being institutionalized.

Sure I’ve had revelations, felt like a rock star, and said “fuck you” to the rules and for a while, it works. But at the end of the day, it still comes down to the grind. Yes, this is another grind (which I love) but a grind nonetheless.

And please don’t misunderstand me here, I am not feeling sorry for myself in the least nor am I looking for sympathy. I only want to share my truth.

Keeping My Eye On The Prize

girls

Many days, it boils down to remembering why I am willing to struggle so much. I remember that I am doing this so that I can earn my living doing what I love most, can provide a great life for myself and daughters, and to be happy.

My prize is for my daughters to see their father as a happy man and for them to understand the importance of doing work that inspires and fulfills them.

The thought of either of them working in some shitty cubicle for 40 years petrifies me because I know the cost that comes with doing that. I want them to explore what’s in their hearts and wish with everything I’ve got that they live their lives in a way that brings them peace and happiness.

That is all.

 

Now I want to know your struggles. What are your demons?

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