The Struggle Within
Aug
For years I have been telling you the same thing.
That my goal is to help people who are currently in the grind I was in for 10 long years. And that’s feeling trapped in a job, relationship, or life you are unhappy with.
And in order for me to be able to truly help someone, I need to be honest. With you and with myself.
Struggle
And the truth is that I am struggling with my life. On the outside, I have it all. A fresh start on my life, two amazing daughters, a loving and supportive girlfriend, my own fitness business, opportunities to work with remarkable people, the ability to work remotely and dictate my entire schedule, and nothing standing in my way except my own fears.
I’m in the best position I’ve been in my entire life.
But I’m scared and it’s fucking me up.
Starting my life over is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me but brings with it a whole new set of struggles. I honestly don’t know if it’s the pessimist in me or the fact that I am finding fault with everything, but in either case, I am feeling lost, overwhelmed and unsure about my place in this world.
I’m letting my demons get the best of me and it’s showing in my writing.
I have every intention of turning this blog into a multi-million dollar business and the fact that my emotions, which are what fuels my writing and has been the foundation for all my success here, are not present- is a huge fucking problem.
I am not being true to myself or to my readers by offering up average content. I know I am better than that and you all deserve more from me.
My girlfriend, who has been my #1 supporter through all of my recent life changes has let me know that my recent posts are just above average. I think she actually said “you are cheating your readers every time you write a post without emotion.”
But what I heard instead was “stop being such a pussy and write from your heart.”
And she’s right. It shows in my comments (or lack thereof) and shows in my quality of work.
Self-Employment Is NOT Fucking Easy
I don’t know what the fuck Tim Ferriss is talking about with all that 4-hour workweek nonsense.
Being self-employed has been a huge shift for me in terms of how I manage my time and how I look at my future. Showing up to work when I am supposed to is a piece of cake. But when there is no clock to punch, it all falls on my shoulders to get everything done and be efficient about it.
And after 5 months, I still struggle every day to manage my time and to harness my motivation. I find myself working in short bursts (when I am feeling so inspired) and often well into the night. Some days I work for 5 hours, some days 12. And given that I am driving all over the place to train my clients, there is little consistency to all of it.
As many of you know, creating an online business such as the one I am working on is not an easy task. My goal is to provide a resource for people to find motivation, become inspired, and to find ideas on how to end their grinds. And I want it to work because I care about people.
In order to become the expert in your field, you have to do a great deal of work, do all the right things online, hit all the social media channels, spend time commenting, market yourself like crazy, connect with the influencers, write guest posts to drive traffic, build a list, create outstanding content, help people as much as possible, and be willing to work like a fucking madman for little or no pay for a long time.
At least that’s how I see it.
And I am good with all of this and fully accept this as the path I’m willing to go down in order to achieve what I want to achieve. In fact, I love the idea of doing all of these things (except the pay part).
But I struggle to keep myself afloat many days. The sheer volume of work that needs to be done is insane. I feel as though I can never catch up, reach enough people, do enough writing, or engage in enough conversations to ever get ahead.
And I feel as though I am failing. Failing all the people who are looking to me for answers. Failing my readers for writing average bullshit. Failing myself for not taking control of all of this and knocking it out of the fucking park.
Some days, I feel like I can accomplish anything and others I have to ask myself if I am cut out to be an entrepreneur. It’s a horrible question because I desperately want to believe that I am. But working a traditional job for 28 years straight certainly fucks with your thought processes. It’s more commonly known as being institutionalized.
Sure I’ve had revelations, felt like a rock star, and said “fuck you” to the rules and for a while, it works. But at the end of the day, it still comes down to the grind. Yes, this is another grind (which I love) but a grind nonetheless.
And please don’t misunderstand me here, I am not feeling sorry for myself in the least nor am I looking for sympathy. I only want to share my truth.
Keeping My Eye On The Prize
Many days, it boils down to remembering why I am willing to struggle so much. I remember that I am doing this so that I can earn my living doing what I love most, can provide a great life for myself and daughters, and to be happy.
My prize is for my daughters to see their father as a happy man and for them to understand the importance of doing work that inspires and fulfills them.
The thought of either of them working in some shitty cubicle for 40 years petrifies me because I know the cost that comes with doing that. I want them to explore what’s in their hearts and wish with everything I’ve got that they live their lives in a way that brings them peace and happiness.
That is all.
Now I want to know your struggles. What are your demons?
Steve Rice
Steve…can totally relate. I finally had to step back and identify my primary values (connection, creative contribution, flexibility and variety) and realign my life with those. That’s the hard part.
Through some serious inquiry, I realized that I’m a control freak in a way…I used failure to control my outcomes. Success–or even the potential of it–is completely unpredictable(as you are experiencing)…and can be very scary.
I found that I wasn’t fearful of success–or even failure–but I was fearful of not having control of my outcomes. Once I recognized what I was doing to myself (and why), things started to shift for me.
I still work every day to re-program my thinking. But when I get stressed out, I return to look at my thoughts and my beliefs and this brings me back to presence.
Hope you find the answers you’re seeking. Just don’t give up on your process. You can’t afford to. The stakes are too high! Trust it.
Steve
Hey Steve,
I’ve never looked at it like a failure to control outcomes, but I can see what you mean. I am definitely a control freak and when I feel like I am in control of my destiny, I feel awesome. When I don’t, I feel lost. There are so many things that play into having the feeling of control over our lives and I am learning exactly what my triggers are. Still though, many days are tough.
As far as giving up….not a chance, my friend.
Jana
Thanks Steve Rice! I really resonated with what you said about the fear of not being in control of outcomes.
Steve: it’s a work in progress. For what it’s worth (coming from someone who is not in your shoes) your business, at 5 months old, is still in its infancy. You’re still getting your bearings and learning how to structure and organize everything.
I don’t expect you to write perfect posts or pour your heart and soul into it every time. Not once have I read one of your posts and said, “well, that’s one for the crapper.”
At this rate of second-guessing yourself, this venture will soon cease to be a labor of love and, when that happens, you might as well go back to your cubicle.
Take good care and be patient and gentle with yourself (I know…easier said than done). HUGS
Steve
Hey Jana,
I’ve reread your comment a few times and there is something that bothers me. It was something I was thinking might happen when I wrote this post and that is that people will assume I am filled with self doubt because I shared my feelings.
To be honest, I have no doubt in my mind that one day I will have a insanely successful online business, it’s just that I am getting caught up in a lot of the day to day stuff and struggle with a number of things. My big picture is clear and I am fully dedicated to this business. The last thing I see myself doing is running back to a cubicle, regardless of whether or not I become disenchanted with blogging.
I appreciate your support and honesty and I am being patient with this. I know all to well how long building something like this takes and I’m in in for the long-term..
Evan
Is there anyone who believe Tim Ferris only works 4 hours a week? Not me, that’s for sure.
Here’s a challenge: You are motivated, just not to do the things you ‘should’ be doing.
Is feeling good about yourself tied up with being an entrepreneur. If so it will add pressure that won’t help you function as an entrepreneur.
If you are guarding your feelings at the moment perhaps you are vulnerable (not feeling vulnerable, really are vulnerable) and you need some time out to look after yourself and those you love.
Steve
Hey Evan,
Yea, I was making a joke with Tim Ferriss and know he spent 80+ hours working to get where he is now. Even now, there is no chance that’s happening. I think it’s just a point to show how we can work smarter not harder.
Anyway, I feel best when I feel like my life (and my business) are moving forward. The issue I often have is that I don’t feel like that. Obviously I can control that by taking action and spending my time doing the right things. Like I mentioned, I get easily overwhelmed by the vast amount of work and have asked myself if I was really cut out for this many times.
Fortunately the answer has always been “yes”. I fear the day I see it another way.
Toni - Reclaiming Your Future
I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself Steve.
As Jana said, your business is relatively new and you can’t be a millionaire over night unless you win the lottery. It takes time to design a personal (and effective) schedule that you can work with and that works for you so I wouldn’t start worrying for a while yet.
I can understand why you second guess about your writing because you have so much else on your mind. I write ‘ok’ posts and I hit publish with a quiet squeal at times ‘knowing’ it’s not good enough or not my usual standard but no one has ever said anything less than complimentary. So whilst I know that YOU may feel it’s sub-par writing, we don’t…we’re here for the journey in all its form.
Try and be kind to yourself Steve; you’re going to implode with all this self-doubt and worry 🙂 xx
Steve
Hi Toni,
I appreciate the sentiment and have no notion that I will be uber successful overnight or rich quickly. It may take me 5 years (hopefully not) to find my sweet spot in this business and to really crush it, but I’m not going anywhere. Creating a working schedule is a problem for me and because I am traveling so much for my fitness business, it makes it that more difficult to plan times to write, edit, comment, network, etc.
What really pisses me off (and I’m not entirely sure why) is that the Internet is filled to the brim with garbage. It seems like virtually all blogs look and sound the same and I cannot let myself be like that. I don’t even think it’s because I want to stand out or that I think I am special, it’s just that I feel like people are so used to reading the same shit over and over and I don’t want to add to all that.
I know when I write a great post because I can feel it. Lately I haven’t been writing great stuff. I feel validated when a post of mine gets a lot of attention and I feel like I am making a difference. That’s why I do this. When 3 weeks goes by and I have little engagement, yes I feel like I am fucking up and failing. I do always remember why I am doing this and how much I have vested. That keeps me pushing forward.
Smaz718@gmail.com
Steve – The girls are very lucky to have such great parents who unselfishly agreed that raising the girls separately was in everyone’s best interest. You being a hard working, motivated, smart, loving, caring, entrepreneur and protective father – you aren’t going to accept anything but the best for them and I applaud you!! Your short term struggles are to benefit your beautiful daughters.
I’m proud of you and will be here every step of the way to success because a steve Roy …. You will be successful … No doubts there!! Congrats babe
Steve
Thanks Z, that means a lot. My girls are my world and as much as I love the idea of being a free wheeling mobile entrepreneur, the most important thing is ultimately providing a good life for the girls who will come to understand the importance of living a happy and fulfilling existence. And yes in the short-term is pretty rough, but I still love what I do every day. I will take this struggle over my cubicle every day of the week. Hell, I’d grind this out for 10 years if need be because I feel it’s my life’s work.
Your support has meant the world to me and I would not be here without you. You are tha bomb and don’t ever forget it!!
Barry
Steve,
I’ve been consulting full-time for nine months and there are still days when I start my day at the desk in my home office and wonder WTF I’m doing. (BarryMorris.biz is the consulting site)
It’s part of the experience going from grinder to entrepreneur and I think it takes a long time to feel normal again. Remember, the grind gave us habitual patterns of activity and even though we hated them sometimes, we befriended them, too. It was in those patterns that we found some sense of safety.
As far as writing from your heart, you do that for the most part. But your heart isn’t the raunchy ass-kicker I’ve seen at times. It’s the empathetic helper who may get riled up from time to time. And that’s OK.
Keep writing, keep breathing, keep moving forward. The uncertainty dissipates slowly, but I don’t think it ever disappears.
It’s what keeps us hungry.
Steve
Barry, my friend!
Thanks for dropping in, it’s been a while.
You are exactly right about feeling normal. I don’t. It feels so strange (and even uncomfortable) to not have to report to someone. It will take time and I will learn how to adapt. As much as I hate to admit it, I did befriend many of the luxuries I had with my old job. Being self employed is tough and has many challenges. Sometimes I do wonder if I am strong enough to endure all the struggles and really try to keep my eye on my end goals.
I appreciate you recognizing who I am. You’re right, I am not a crass person nor do I even curse often. When I write (with emotion), I get really fired up and I write from the heart. Often it is in the form of being abrasive and vulgar, but I feel like that’s the most effective way for me to spread my message.
I could easily write very heartfelt, soft spoken, all-things-are great type posts but there are enough of those already. To me, that’s boring because life isn’t all positive things and I think people need a wake up call. My girlfriend tells I “yell” at my readers n my posts and I see it like people need a slap in the face to wake the fuck up. What do you think about that?
Davidd
Y’know what’s different about your web site, what sets you apart? You don’t blow smoke. Yeah, you might feel like you talk more talk than walking the walk sometimes, but that makes it real… especially when you call yourself out for it!
So many other web site guys (‘n’ gals) repeat the same old stuff – it’s reached the point that whenever I see claims of a “six-figure income” generated from some nebulous “internet-based lifestyle business,” I’m outta there. Those beaches in Thailand must be awfully crowded with netbook-toting twenty-something entrepreneurs. What the hell do those people DO as… whatever they’re supposed to be doing to make a living? Who pays them to sit by the pool and write blog posts? They yammer on endlessly about starting one new business after another, but they’re usually vague on the details – what, exactly, are they doing, what are they selling, and who pays them for it?
You’re an example of somebody who interviews the big names, who guest posts, who runs a few ads on his web site, who puts probably too much effort into tailoring the aesthetics of the site, who puts “personality” into his posts; in short, someone who does everything a Lifestyle Blogger should do… yet you don’t seem to be “location independent” or rolling in the fat stacks of greenbacks… yet. What you ARE doing, however, is TELLING us that it’s not happening. You’re sharing every step of the process. You talk numbers. You share defeats as well as successes. You don’t bluff and bluster about your “six-figure deals.” You usually don’t say “we” when you mean “I.”
And you’re not secretly coasting on the largesse of the Bank of Mom & Dad while partying in Phuket under the guise of being a lifestyle business entrepreneur.
Okay, maybe each and every one of your posts isn’t compelling (I just found your site today, I’ve read most of the “highlight reel” posts, but not the everyday stuff yet). But awesome doesn’t happen every day. Better than Awesome Every Day is showing and sharing the steps you’re taking to TRY to GET to awesome. It’s taking a long time. It’s frustrating and discouraging. But it’s grounded in reality.
Maybe reality isn’t what most readers want. As a new reader, I’ll follow along specifically because of some of the points the “semi-pro bloggers” who seem to often comment on your site suggest are shortcomings: the pessimism, the negativity, the discouragement. In a way your site is the antithesis of some of the very popular “self-improvement” sites because your posts are concrete, not touchy-feely abstract; because you recognize and acknowledge that it’s easy to SAY you’ll take action but difficult to DO… and even more difficult to maintain. And you illustrate through personal example that a lot of us spend a lot of time fooling ourselves into thinking we’re doing something when we’re really not.
I found your site through a comment you left on Joel Runyon’s Blog of Impossible Things, by the way.
Steve
David,
This is awesome. Seriously, I so appreciate you taking the time to share this with me.
I couldn’t agree more about these lifestyle designers and beach bloggers. I know quite a few of them and unfortunately I know some are just full of shit. It pisses me off to see that crap and I never wan to be “that” guy.
As far as my life, I do work from home and earn most of my money with my fitness business. My goal however is to eventually transition away from a service oriented business into creating resources on this site. I do ave the ability to work from anywhere and have taken that liberty recently while at the beach, but I’m not traveling the world.
It’s hard to post things like this because I may come across as being self doubting. This is hard because my aim is to become the expert in my niche. It’s hard to create this when I am talking about all my personal struggles. But in the end, I feel that being honest and authentic is the only way for me to build this. I have seen soooo many bloggers, many of whom are new, portray the image of an expert. That’s bullshit. Anyone can gather up a few testimonials talking about how great they are and hang up a “for sale” sign. It’s just something I refuse to do.
Your last paragraph really hits home for me and has so much meaning. Being the antithesis of others sites IS my goal. I am different and want everyone to see that.
And thanks for letting me know how you found me that does help me. Joel is a maniac and is doing awesome shit. I actually interviewed him a few years ago, although I left blogging before I published it..Great guy.
Jana
Steve,
You did express self-doubt in your post. But what’s wrong with that if that’s what you really feel?
I wasn’t suggesting that you don’t share your feelings or to sugarcoat them, or to not have self-doubt. Just be mindful of it and honor it so you don’t wake up one day hating what you’re doing again (like the cubicle).
It’s difficult to have so much to do that you feel like you’re barely keeping your head above water. And it sucks more to feel like you’re not producing the quality of work you expect of yourself. I’ve been there too…recently.
What I like about you is that you write your own experience. Not some useless, empty how-to full of clichés and platitudes. You’re raw and real and I appreciate that. What you share may not resonate with everyone (that’s impossible), but it will resonate with someone.
I appreciate you having the courage to show your vulnerability. It’s refreshing, especially from a man! Thank you!
Steve
I see what you’re saying, Jana. This is the work that inspires me the most and I can’t see myself quitting. Sure. I will go through periods of being unsure of myself and my capabilities, but I know I meant to do this. I feel very strongly about not being just another blogger and try y hardest to create something unique. I’m not sure why it’s so rare to see people so open because it seems to be that this is the way to reach people on a deep, emotional level. And isn’t that the goal for people in the personal development field??
I won’t lie, it’s not easy to share my emotions in my writing (or at least to publish them), but I know that’s where I can make the difference for someone. Thanks for your support…and I still owe you an email 🙂
Keith
Dude, it’s a tough battle, you have fought harder ones so put your big boy pants on. Sometimes you have to either shit or get off the pot, I went through it. I had successful businesses online in 2008-2010, then I hit a big fat rut.
I finally said fuck it, I don’t want this anymore, and pursued other interests, and now I am in the beginning stages of funding my own home building and land development corporation.
Shit or get off the pot bro, too many fish in the sea now.
Just my $.02
Oh, and if you want to hear about how I almost died from drug addiction, go ahead and click that link to my post, I know I can accomplish anything, you can too!
Steve
I see it took a deep post to get you over here to comment 🙂
You’re right, I have been through far worse, but I still struggle with motivation and “can I do this?” syndrome. In the end, I know the answer and I made the decision to walk away from this once before. Not again.
Your line “there are too many fish in the sea” is spot on. A lot has changed since I left blogging on 2012 and I have to be doing much more than I’m used to. I always remember one of your comments where you said you had your doubts I would make it online and I use that to remember how easy it is to fall by the wayside here.
I remember reading your post a while back. It’s amazing how far you’ve come..
Keith
You should go back and listen to that interview you did with Penelope like 10x. These days, you have to stand out in the online world and really give something no one else is giving. We already have Gary V, Tim Ferriss, and Seth Godin.
The reason I dropped out of this rat race was because I felt like I was good at getting my real business noticed online through social and blogs, but trying to teach others was just a waste of my time, I couldn’t crack the code to make money at it, and I tried for 3yrs…
Certainly not trying to be negative, but in my opinion, you should have a fitness or finance site, that is your expertise isn’t it? Then use this blog to document the paths you take.
Good to see you back at it either way 🙂
Steve
Oh, I’ve listened to that thing many times and wrote a book about it. I do agree that I need to stand out and what I was doing in 2011 will not work now. I know you struggled with the blog thing and I have plans to do things differently this time around. I have a few ideas for fitness sites and some other venture as well. I appreciate your advice, it’s always been a welcome sight to see you here..
Sebastian Aiden Daniels
This won’t be a long comment. I will say two things in response to this post, which I am grateful for and for you.
1. “You can fail at something you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance doing what you love.” Jim Carrey
2. I think that no matter what you do there will be negatives to it and that is life.
Steve
A short comment from you, Sebastian?? Hard to believe it!
Great quote there. I also like when Gary V said that we can go broke doing something we love just as fast as doing shit we hate. Why not go for it??
And yes, there is a flip side to everything and too often I see the negative. But as you well know, life is ALL how we choose to view it. Some of the happiest people on Earth live is squalor.
Sebastian Aiden Daniels
Hehe that is very true. It made me think of this quote, “Yes strangley, my impression is that those living in the materially developed countries, for all their industry, are in some ways less satisfied, are less happy, and to some extent suffer more than those living in the least developed countries.” -Dalai Lama
I’m reading his book Ethics for the New Millennium right now.
Phil Janecic
Most importantly is that you keep your eyes on the prize. If you don’t know why you’re doing it every morning you wake up, you’re going to get stuck sooner or later.
Steve
So true. It’s SO easy to get caught up in being busy and one of the things that helps me remember why I’m doing this is a big cork board in my office. On it are pictures of my girls as well as a number of comments/emails I’ve received in which people are thanking me for helping them. The constant reminder is always right in front of me!
Anna
Steve, unlike Sebastian’s comment, mine will be long.
First thing I want to tell is that you are a thief. Yes, you are. You broke into my brain and stole my thoughts.
Second, you are so brave to publish this and you have my utmost respect. If I did that, I’d feel naked. I planned to e-mail you my comment, because I had to reveal my struggles, and I didn’t think I was ready to do it in front of all your readers, but inspired by your courage, I decided to “go public” – another step out of my comfort zone.
I feel you, Steve. I go through the same emotions quite often. I am very determined, I know what I have to do, but the load is so huge and I am so involved in my family, I get easily distracted, derailed and overwhelmed, and at times, I don’t feel like doing anything. I get frustrated with myself and sometimes depressed, but luckily for a short time. I manage to pick myself up, or should I say, kick my own ass and move on.
Steve, there are a few things that cause me to feel the way I feel, and I think they can possibly be the reasons for your self-doubt and fear. See if this is true.
You are so passionate about helping people and you raised your bar so high that every time you don’t perform at 100%, you feel unsatisfied and guilty. To be honest, I haven’t read a few last posts of yours, but all I’ve read starting from a few months ago, including the one I am commenting on, WERE written from your heart, I could feel it.
You get overwhelmed by the “sheer volume of work that needs to be done” because YOU made is so enormous. Because you are in a hurry to help thousands of people to end their grind. Because you know that time is a mercilessly running out. Life is short and there is nothing we can do about it. BUT we can do things differently to make the best out of that short time.
There has been chunk of time (10 years, right?) in your life that , I guess, you could call existence rather than life. You didn’t do things the way you wanted or dreamed, so now you are trying double hard to fill that gap with meaningful work.
I feel the same way sometimes. I have awakened and realized I wasted lots of time. You know, Steve, the very thought of time wasted makes me almost depressed, very sad at least. In situations like that, I tell myself that had I not made so many mistakes, had I not taken wrong steps, I would never be who I am today. My “detour” and all I’ve learned along the way, led me to where I am today. Yes, I still lack experience, still examining the terrain, trying to map out my route, still stumble and fall. And it is OK, I accept it. Not to cut myself some slack, just because this is how things turned out to be in my life – I have to deal with my fear, I have to restart, reboot, whatever you want to call it. I know getting too self-critical throws me back.
Coming back to your writing, Steve, you insist you offer an “average bullshit” to your readers, that your emotions are not present… honestly, I don’t know what you are talking about. I think these claims are groundless. Yes, you might write even better, but in your posts, and I think other readers will agree with me, your “voice”, your “scream” IS heard. Really, Steve, I am not trying to console you, I am being totally honest with you.
I am not going to ask you to not give up because I know you won’t. But what I want to say, is it’s OK to expect more of yourself, to raise the bar high, just don’t be so harsh on yourself. You are doing great!
Steve
Thank you so much for this, Anna. It means a great deal that you took the time to share all of this with me.
When I first started reading it, you had me scared..a thief?? 🙂
I love that my writing is pushing you to get out of your comfort zone. That’s why I love doing this so much.
You and I seem to have a lot in common and you pointed out that I am trying to catch up on the time I “lost” just living an average existence. That is exactly it. I know at 43 I will not be around forever and it honestly scares me to think how little time I really have left.
I am trying so hard to get ahead because I spent so long trailing behind. I can’t allow myself to live like that and I feel like every day that goes by that I am not closer to where I want to be, I am failing.
I suppose I am being hard on myself and I don’t ever feel like I publish fluff or filler. It’s just that I know my heart isn’t in every post and it needs to be. That’s what makes me different I believe. I want someone to be so moved emotionally regardless of which post they read, that they become inspired to make a change.
I hope you continue to challenge yourself and please email me any time if you need anything.
Anna
Thank you, Steve.
Damien
I tend to think of it as a game. At your cube, you were Level 2, Stage 9. Even though you’re now Level 3, Stage 1 – you’re still “ahead” as long as you continue. Of course it’s harder. I’ve been to the edge where I go to interviews and I find myself cutting them short because I can’t even spend 30 minutes in the sterile office let alone another cube. No choice but to go ahead now.
Steve
So what are you doing now then, Damien?